I like listening to the a.m. news. Particularly the morning crew from our local country station KIAK FM. They’re pretty funny. Except this morning when one of them said “And we’re going for a high today of 10 below.” First of all, I think this violates some sort of grammar rule. Are you allowed to use high and below in the same sentence? Second, I had to haul my sorry, flu-ridden butt out of bed to let the dogs outside and I was cranky. There is little that compares to going from a snug, warm bed to standing outside, holding a leash and waiting for a senile dog, who forgot why he was outside, to pee. I have to admit though that I outdid myself as far a morning ensemble go. Sweatpants, tye-dye hoodie, rabbit hat with ear flaps and fuzzy bear slippers.
The cold doesn’t normally affect me much. But I’ve had the honest-to-goodness flu for four days now and well, everything affects me. So when the news guy cheerfully announced the weather forecast I was unhappy.
I’m not sure about the news where you live but here’s a sampling of other tidbits we learn about from Pete, Kathryn and The Cruiser:
Snow butts: a snow butt is a driver who insists on passing you in the lane that hasn’t seen the plow yet. They kick up white out conditions increasing both your heart rate and your pucker factor.
Brakes are not your friend: It’s true. Brake hard on our winter roads and you’ll end up in the ditch. Intersections in town are slicker than whale poop on an ice floe so brakes must be applied carefully. The brake rule goes out the window however when a moose runs out in front of you. I brake and start singing “Jesus take the wheel!”
Moose: Drivers will call in and let Pete, Kathryn, and the Cruiser know where moose have been spotted. This is good info. Moose are almost impossible to see in the early morning darkness. Their eyes don’t reflect. Where there is one there is usually another one on its heels. And sometimes they run out in front of you and then suddenly change direction. It’s like playing chicken with a 1,500 lb squirrel.
School lunch menu: We get to find out what those poor children are being subjected to. Today’s fare is a grilled chicken sandwich or a cheeseburger. Here’s the thing though. Everything is “made” at a central kitchen, packaged and then shipped to the various schools for re-warming. No salt. No fat. No flavor. School lunches still suck but now they won’t give you high cholesterol.
Late buses: This is a good thing. You really don’t want children standing outside, in the dark, at below freezing temperatures no matter how annoying they may be. The moose report is also handy for the kids because there has been more than one who has had to deal with an angry ungulate.
And then of course there are the headlines. Here’s a world changing one from this morning that I just had to look up. The University of Alaska Fairbanks is going to determine if the need to replace the automatic flushers on their toilets. I kid you not. Here is the story.
There you have it. Most of my morning. Welcome to my world!